I’ve listened to this album too many times to count since it was released in 2013. It’s probably safe to say I listen to it once every 48 hours.
This is my 2nd favorite song on the album–the video was released today! Frankly, I’m a little surprised they’re doing choreographed dancing, but I’m happy they’re still holding and playing their instruments.
First–a few things.
Ok. Now that that’s out of the way, here goes.
I never write about relationships. Ever.
Since I’m single, I always feel a bit under the microscope when talking about them. And since I don’t actually date all that much, I have a tiny fear that I won’t be viewed with credibility on the topic. In actuality, my singledom is partly on purpose. I’m 29 years old and at this point, I know what I’m looking for. If someone doesn’t have that “thing”, I’m not wasting my time enduring the awkwardness and inevitable breakup conversation that hurts and humiliates both parties just because some married person told me, “You never know!” Actually- I do know. If you got married at 21/22 and you’re telling me that you married someone who totally wasn’t your type and I should be open to the fact that I might end up married to someone I never thought I’d be attracted to, sorry, but I’m not buying it. You were a baby when you got married and even you probably didn’t actually know what you were looking for–which is why it surprised you. Im old enough now to know what I’m looking for. And when I see it, I recognize it. And the fact of the matter is, I just don’t come across “it” all that often. Thus, my singledom. Which I’m quite happy in, by the way. Most days. 🙂 Even though I don’t go on millions of dates, I have friends that do. I’ve gone on SOME dates in the last fifteen years of my life and even had a few boyfriends here and there. And since my top strength is Maximizer and my mental wheels are always turning and criticizing and judging (it’s really kind of annoying), I’ve picked-at and analyzed patterns and behaviors I’ve observed over and over again. I’ve been thinking about a few of them lately. Here they are:
Never talk about the future unless you intend for there to be one.
A common pattern I’ve observed in my friends’ dating relationships as well as my own is that men will talk about the future, then quickly break up with you. What is that about? I’m not even talking about not discussing marriage unless you intend to propose. I mean, that’s a no-brainer. I’m talking about statements like, “Oh, have you tried this place out? We have to go there sometime!” or, “I’m so excited to take you to this/that place that I love…” or, “My sister’s great, I mean, you’ll meet her sometime, but she has this great house…” It’s as simple as that. Little statements, almost in passing, that imply there’s a future. Since guys are rarely up front about their intentions in taking you out, girls are constantly spending hours of gut-wrenching, mentally-exhausting energy just trying to figure out whether or not you’re interested in her. Leading her to believe there’s a future when you’re really not sure there will be is just careless and it’s guaranteed to hurt her a little and probably make her say mean things about you to her girlfriends when it all falls apart. Also- don’t introduce her to your family unless you’re really serious. Don’t invite her to Christmas unless you’re thinking of proposing at some point. I cannot stress this enough. If you are bringing the person you’re dating around your family just to get your parents and siblings off your back about being single, or because you want a serious relationship so badly that you’re trying to make this into one when the chemistry is just really not there–don’t do it. Just don’t do it. For your sake, for your family’s sake, for the person you’re dating’s sake. Be careful about how you lead the other person’s heart into really personal places.
On that note…
Is this a date?
This clip is from My So-Called Life, (1995). Angela Chase is a 15-year-old girl talking to her dad about dating. To her–dating is dead. It’s just about people. With people. Hanging out. In a bunch. What’s important to recognize is that Angela Chase is 15 and even in 1995 she wasn’t an expert on modern relationships. But still, I’ve read New York Times and Huffington Post articles THIS WEEK stating that this is the current state of relationships for modern twentysomethings. Really? At 15 it makes total sense to just hang out in groups. You have no idea what you want or what dating should be. Hanging out with your group and pining over one particular person for months, maybe years, is expected. But when you’re in your 20s and 30s, saying you want to get married someday, and you’re perpetually hanging out with the same group of people but not dating any of them–what are you doing? If you’re in it for community–awesome. I know it’s possible for these groups (maybe even a church small group) to become really close without there being a romantic element. Just be careful to not settle down with your friends if you hope to one day settle down with a spouse. Also-on the flip side-if you want to get married someday, don’t waste your life on frivolous physical non-dates for the entirety of your twenties because you think your twenties are for having fun and figuring out life. It’s dumb. You’re not practicing for sex once you get married, you’re just messing it all up. And it starts to get really confusing to figure out whether you’re interested in dating someone or just want them physically. Why mess yourself up like that? If you have a desire to get married someday, pursue that with intention and be open to the age at which it could happen.
Additionally, on the Is This a Date? note. Men–Declare your intention. I know, it’s risky and scary. But most of the time a girl isn’t going to do it and is waiting for some validation from you. And if you give her validation, I promise you’ll get it back. If she isn’t interested, she’ll let you know. Rip off the bandaid and move along. Are you interested in her? Say so. It’s as easy as, “If you’re not seeing anyone, would you want to get coffee sometime?” or, “You seem cool and I’d like to know you more. Want to get together Friday?” Simple. Whatever you do, don’t make girls wonder. Don’t keep asking them to hang out with you casually, don’t repeatedly invite them to group events and only talk to them half of the time, don’t make her decode your texting behaviors (frequency, tone, etc.), don’t pay for them sometimes and not others. Just be real. Be vulnerable and honest.
On that note…
Ask Girls Out.
I recently had a few guys tell me that they were under the impression that girls don’t like being asked out directly. Really? I mean, where did this rumor begin? Because I’d like to squash the person who perpetuated it. It’s wussy. Waiting for a girl to give you 150% reassurance that you will NOT GET SHOT DOWN if you ask her out is a waste of time and shows a lack of courage. Sure, no one wants to get shot down. But chances are, she’s nice and she’ll do it nicely if she isn’t interested, and you can just dust your shoulders off and move along. No harm done, right? There’s nothing more frustrating in the dating game today, than the fact that girls are expected to throw themselves at a guy to give him the most undeniable confirmation that she’s interested before she’ll get asked out. It’s ridiculous. Guys. Man up. It’s really all I can say. 🙂
So you’ve spent the evening with a group of mixed friends, just people, “in a group…hanging out.” Say there’s a really interesting girl you chatted with a few times. What should you do? Take a line from the Is This a Date? paragraph and ask her out. In fact, if you think of it later, even a Facebook message will suffice. Just do it.
Payment.
It is the 21st century and many girls have jobs that pay pretty well–but still not as well as yours, men. 🙂 As an old-fashioned courtesy, it’s always nice to offer to pay for her. If she says, “Oh, you don’t have to do that…” you should insist on paying for her still. Most girls won’t be offended. If you pay for her once and you want to keep dating her, something you should be ready for is that if you stop paying for her suddenly, she’s going to think you’re not interested in her anymore and trying to send a message. I know this is twisted and it sounds like you’re buying her…but somehow over the years it has become a decoder-point. If the guy is paying for you, that’s confirmation that it’s a date. And since most guys aren’t up front about their intentions, girls rely on these little cues to tell whether or not you’re actually interested in romance and/or how much longer you’re going to be interested in her. If you stop offering to pay, she’s probably going to think you’re losing interest. Cue the stomach knots and hour-long girlfriend analyzation sessions. That’s just not nice. However, once you’ve been dating someone for awhile and you’re calling each other girlfriend and boyfriend, it makes a lot of sense for the girl to start offering to pay again and you should let her sometimes. Girls–you should absolutely offer to pay. But not until then. 🙂
Why I Hate Bars.
I won’t go into all of the reasons why because I could honestly write an entire blog post about this topic. I rarely walk into a bar unless it’s also a restaurant, the music is at an appropriate level and they don’t play country music, the lighting is good and I can sit down with my drink. (Liz Lemon. I know. I know.) I’ve found myself at bars in recent years for bachelorette parties or a fun reason to get dressed up for a night out with girlfriends. And I’m a two-drink girl because that’s enough to enjoy a good-tasting drink, have a nice time with friends but still keep my wits about me. I’m not a person who thinks getting drunk is funny or cute or necessary. In fact, if you’re drunk around me, chances are I’ll bolt. Guy or girl. I just don’t like being around it. But in my experience, the bar is the best place to get disrespected. I’ve never been approached by a polite male in a bar. Never. They’ve always had some suspicious smirk on their face, they’re always touching my lower back like they know me, buying me drinks I don’t want, and when I shoot them down, eventually calling me a slut or whore because I’m wearing a totally modest all-black outfit and for refusing to play along with their ridiculous game. Yes. This has happened to me. Several times. Time after time at bars, I’ve found myself feeling threatened and scrutinized by tipsy guys who are overly confident and persistent. Guys, you should know this is how a lot of girls feel at the bar. Don’t treat her like garbage. Instead of disrespecting her, stand an appropriate distance away from her and ask her questions about herself. And if you’re only interested in “getting some,” don’t approach a girl who isn’t sending off the same signals you’re putting out. Don’t play a game and if she’s not interested in you–handle it like a man.
Oh! And another thing– if you are going to repeatedly send a girl drinks from across a room but never approach her, your sensual eye glances aren’t going to flatter her. They’re going to weird her out. This whole drink-buying game has become a really weird process. I’ve seen it happen so many times (and yes–it has happened to me). Don’t send a drink if you’re just hoping to get in her pants. I’m just being real here. Nothing makes a girl feel more like a prostitute than being sent drink after drink only to have you FINALLY approach her and stand rudely in her personal space, touch her like you’re her boyfriend already and suggest you exchange numbers, only to have you not call (or only send weird “It sure is sunny today.” text messages or forget who she is when she contacts you). Also, in my observation, most of the time this drink-sending game has something to do with wanting to get busy with someone, not date them. When you send a drink, it means, “Hey, I like you physically. I don’t know you, but I wanna get with you.” And to me, that’s just weird. You don’t even know the person. Maybe I’m being a little Liz Lemony here, but I really don’t think the drink-sending game should continue. Let’s just stop it.
Bachelor/Bachelorette Syndrome.
Are you dating more than one person? First- look at you! Popular!! Second- Make that clear to both parties. Now. Do it now. Do not wait. Do not create margin for overlap if one relationship seems a little more serious than the other. And don’t become “official” with one person if in the back of your mind you’re still thinking about the other. Decide definitively who you’re more interested in and pursue it. Note: This may mean dating neither of them. I’ve seen this pattern repeated over and over with certain people and I do not understand it. Date one person at a time, unless you’re making it clear that you are dating other people. It’s not fair to treat one party like a test/control, then bail for the party you initially left behind because you realized maybe you liked the other person more. It’s like Dawson/Joey/Pacey. Brad/Angelina/Jennifer. It’s TV drama. It’s not real life. It’s not how you should be acting. It’s shady. Stop. Respect the people you’re dating and care for their hearts, not just your own.
If You Just Got Out of a Serious Relationship.
I’ve seen it happen a few times where a serious, long-term relationship ends. Whether that be a long dating relationship, a divorce or a death of a spouse. Suddenly one of the parties starts dating a new person really quickly. The reasoning given every time is, “I didn’t see it coming. I wasn’t looking for it. It kind of just happened.” Relationships don’t just happen. If they did, I’d be in one. They take effort and pursuit. If you just came out of a really serious situation and you’re presented with a new dating prospect immediately, no matter how appealing it sounds to be secure in someone’s arms again–be man or woman enough to stop and think. Decide if you are really ready and if this is fair to the person you’re about to date. Have you learned anything from your previous relationship? If you haven’t, it might be worthwhile to take a beat and think about it. A strong, brave, confident person will stand up for what’s right and protect both people’s hearts. Blindly running to the next comforting relationship is reckless and potentially harmful for both people involved.
If You Won’t Have Sex Until You’re Married.
Maybe you already did. It’s ok. Maybe you’re not a Christian and you’re like, what? I know. Here’s what’s up. This just isn’t a popular stance. And being a Christian isn’t all that popular, either. So when a Christian person is single for a long time and the married folks around them wonder what’s wrong–I have to assert the argument that it’s partly because we’re not willing to have sex before we’re married. That is just SO countercultural of a stance in 2014, it’s really kind of insane. I recently found this short video based on a study by the Austin Institute explaining something I’ve experienced but haven’t been able to put words to. The no-sex predicament we find ourselves in makes us more expensive in this present culture, thus extending our period of singledom for longer than has been historically common. Take a quick look, it’s fascinating:
If You’re Married.
If you’re a husband, treat your wife’s single friends how their husband should treat them someday. That might sound weird. But what I mean is this–I’ve been so touched by my married friends’ husbands who’ve stepped up and shown me respect in ways I have rarely gotten from guys I’ve dated. Flat tire? They’ve put my spare on for me. Cold night? They start my car for me before I leave. Hanging out at their house? They offer to refill my drink while I chat with my friend. Out to dinner with the couple? I’m not the third wheel, in fact, he pays for me too. It has just warmed my heart and blessed me so much to see this from my friends’ husbands. Not only does it remind me that I have worth and value when some of my dates have treated me otherwise, but it gives me hope for the good guys who are still out there.
If you’re a wife, be open to giving guys advice about dating. If they’re at your house hanging out with your husband talking about a girl, chime in. Even if he doesn’t ask for it. He’ll take it or leave it. 🙂 It’s the least you can do. 🙂
A note to the married couple: It’s fun to set people up. I totally get that you want to be friends with people in your same life stage. And your marriage is so fun and fulfilling, you want to evangelize marriage to your single friends and help them get married too! I understand, really. And honestly, I don’t mind being set up. But if you are going to set your single friends up, here are two guidelines to follow:
In Summary.
Dating has become super complicated. Is it even called that? The media would probably tell you us Millenials/hipsters are calling it, “hooking up,” or something weird and stupid like that. Really, I don’t think any of us know what we’re doing. The rules have gotten muddy and unclear. The roles have been reversed. And both parties lack a serious amount of guts and courage. (Myself included). I think this has played a large part in much of the country’s twentysomethings’ prolonged adolescence and delayed adulthood.
These are just thoughts. I have no solutions.
All I can say, is it’s a jungle out here.
Watch Miranda.
Ok. I know. On my previous blog, I waved my Miranda flag A LOT. But there are new people here! So here I go again.
Miranda is a BBC sitcom starring Miranda Hart. I’ve never really paid much attention to British comedy. But friends–her writing is so fresh, so relatable, so smart–it’s all-encompassing. It appeals to EVERYONE. I spent yesterday evening snuggled up in my bed watching Seasons 1 and 2 with a big fat smile on my face, occasionally laughing out loud. Not every show can do that. To top everything off, there’s a “will-they-won’t-they” love story going on between Miranda and her college crush, Gary, who works as a chef in the Pub below her flat. (look at me using all the British slang.)
What’s brilliant about Miranda, (one thing that happens to me when I go on a Miranda-watching bender is that I start to say brilliant a lot more than cool or great), is that she’s an incredible dramatic actress on the BBC drama, Call the Midwife. And she is simultaneously a FANTASTIC comedic writer and actress.
Here’s a taste of Miranda–Half of Season 1, Episode 2:
Seasons 1 and 2 are available on Hulu! Click through the photo.
(Season 3 has already aired in England and can be found….er…online in ways I won’t exactly condone. I’ll leave it up to you. 🙂
It’s been a little while since I’ve posted about music here. And that’s weird because it’s supposed to be a focus point for this blog. I love talking about and sharing music and this is the my venue to do it as often as I want without wearing people out. So here we go:
I listened to Strahan‘s album “Posters” for three solid hours, yesterday. (I think that means I have to talk about it, here.) I haven’t done that with an album since 2012 when I read an entire trilogy of books in three days while listening to The Walkmen’s “Heaven” on repeat. Yesterday I spent four hours editing a book. It was the perfect backdrop for the quiet Taylor’s Falls coffee shop I was planted in. Noise-canceling stereo headphones are truly a godsend.
Who’s Strahan? I know. I have no idea. Somehow, at some point last week, I saved this album as a playlist in Spotify. I have no recollection of how I came across it or when I saved it. I think this means God meant for me to just LISTEN TO IT. I’ve searched the interwebs and all that I can surmise is that he’s from New Zealand and “Posters” is his first LP. I have been swept away by this album. I mean, I feel like I fell in love this weekend. My heart is full. There are a few high points of “Posters” that I’d love to share.
1. The easy-perfect harmony in the opening song, “You’re the Dawn.” Set against the stark silence of the room and the gentle acoustic guitar plucking– it’s perfection.
2. The melody in, “Hey, New Wine”. Again. Perfection. What he does with his voice over a melody is pure and beautiful.
3. He’s singing about Jesus. In a way most contemporary-Christian radio artists don’t. And he’s relevant. His writing is poetic, real and relatable. On point. I love it.
4. The lyrics of “Home”. As I was editing, suddenly a lyric exploded through my ears: “Poetry kissed reality the moment I met you.” Whoa. Is he singing about God? Or a person-person he’s in love with? I looked up the lyrics and yep- It’s about Jesus. And really, it’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard. I’m not being dramatic just to get you to listen to it, (Ok maybe I am just a little bit), but seriously. This song is something special. Powerful. Beautiful. The melody over the lyric, “And my heart still breaks but the river’s running wilder every day” slays me. Beautiful. There really aren’t words. Here- you just need to experience it:
I used to think my energy would carry me on through
But poetry kissed reality the moment I met you
All my years and all my friends never told me what you do
But now I know it’s so obvious that through that I grew
Let them speak of man who lives to die
And in my bones beat the pleasure of your fire
My heart still breaks but the rivers running wilder every day
That’s how I know
I am home
*This post is the first in a planned series of out-of-order stories about times that I’ve seen Jesus throughout my life. Even when I didn’t believe.
In April 1998, I underwent a heart procedure for a disorder called Supra Ventricular Tachycardia. It showed up late in 7th grade and became worse as I started 8th grade. I would be sitting on the couch, running in track, lying in bed–it didn’t matter. Provoked or unprovoked, my heart would launch into a fluttering, fast-paced arrhythmia that took my breath away, scared me, and made me completely exhausted.
The cardiologist I was seeing taught me a few ways of resetting my heart’s rhythm once I was in tachycardia. Standing on my head (which for this tall bean meant lying backwards off my bed or a couch), sticking your face in a sink full of ice water (fun fact: this was discovered by studying dolphins), or bearing down like you’re pushing. The most convenient one (and least attention-grabbing) was obviously bearing down. So that’s what I typically did if it happened at school. But one day, I couldn’t get my heart to reset. I was getting lightheaded and more afraid the longer it went on. I went to the school nurse and we called my mom to take me to the ER.
The doctor screamed in my face, “Did you take anything?! Cocaine?! Pills?!” I looked at him like he was crazy. “NO! I promise!” He asked me repeatedly in a very accusatory tone. I was already afraid. He was making it worse. Why was he so convinced I’d taken something? A nurse was jabbing a needle into my arm. I looked at my mom sitting in the corner of the room. She seemed a little afraid, herself. The doctor told the nurse to inject something into my IV. Neither the doctor or the nurse said anything to my mom or I. The medicine went in.
It was like fire that started in my feet. It was really hot. It slowly crept up my body until it reached my heart. It felt like someone put their hand around my heart and squeezed it. It went silent inside my body for several seconds. No blood pumping, no heartbeat. My heart was still.
After a few seconds of staring at the fluorescent light above my head in shock, my heart then restarted into a healthy rhythm. I looked at the nurse wondering what in the world just happened to me. Did I die? She explained that the medication was supposed to do just that. It’s like getting shocked with paddles without using paddles. It resets your heart rhythm. Gee. Thanks for the warning!
During that ER visit, they had to give me that IV medication several times to get my heart to a safe rhythm. It was awful. I have never felt so drained in my life. I memorized the name of that medication so that I could request to NEVER be given it again in the future. I planned to say I was allergic, put it on my medical allergies list at my doctor’s office, just BAN IT from my body because it’s HORRIBLE. I felt traumatized by that experience. I struggled to forget it and replayed it, detail by detail, for the next several weeks. (Ok, if I’m honest–the next several years.)
We’d tried medication, I’d worn a heart monitor for several weeks and my EKGs had been studied by my doctor. It was time to do something.
In the months leading up to the operation, I prayed nightly that I wouldn’t die. I was terrified. I wasn’t even totally sure who I was praying to, but if there was a God, I knew he was the only one who could help me. So I begged and bargained and bawled, night after night. I was consumed by a fear of death and pain. I learned that part of the operation would include inducing tachycardia, which was uncomfortable and scary enough by itself– but after each time they started the arrhythmia, they would have to stop my heart with DEVIL’S IV medication. That’s right–stop my heart. Repeatedly. Â Knowing that I’d be experiencing that over and over throughout this surgical procedure had me afraid for my life. I didn’t know if I could handle it. It wears you down like you wouldn’t believe. It’s incredibly exhausting. I was told that I would be under anesthesia, but it was they type where the nurses are able to wake you up and tell you something and you might remember bits and pieces of the experience.
As they wheeled me into the operating room, my parents stood in the hallway waving goodbye to me. My mom was tearing up and I remember thinking, “This is the last time I’m going to see my parents.” Tears were running out of my eyes like streams and my chin quivered. When they had the bed in place in the operating room, a nurse appeared out of nowhere. She was in her 70s, had an Irish accent, and I kid you not- it was like she was glowing. She repeatedly wiped my tears away. She comforted me. She reassured me. She petted my head for SIX HOURS. She lovingly put her hands on my cheeks. I told her what I was afraid of and she promised to wake me up and warn me when they were about to give me the heart-stopping IV medication. That put me at ease. At least I could prepare myself for it.
When I woke up in the recovery room hours later, that nurse was gone. I asked about her and no one knew where she was. I never saw her again. But friends. I can tell you this…She was Jesus in that operating room. She was comfort and she was peace that surpassed all understanding. There was NO REASON for me to have ANY PEACE in that situation. Her hands on my face transmitted calm and confidence into my body. Her warmth and reassurance became my resolve to make it through the operation. I am confident that God hand-picked that woman to be my nurse. I believe that the day I started praying, begging God to let me live and to help me through it, he started shifting and moving and planning for her to be my nurse. And without even having to ask her, I know she knows Jesus. Because my heart recognized Him in hers. My desperate prayers leading up to that day, full of terror and uncertainty and distrust of God, were answered in her presence. Whether I lived or died–I was at peace. And God was starting to become real in my life.
I tweeted up the twitterverse as soon as I heard this in a commercial for the upcoming movie, during the Grammys. It’s now available on Spotify. Is this not more beautiful than the original? Who knew it could be improved upon? I LOVE ITTTTT.
My Own Frequency 